Today I Just Waited For Bedtime

It was a day like any other. My children are thriving while I admire the pink on a pair of pajamas I got for Christmas and dub it my new favorite. Stay-at-home parents of very young children know that being your normal, average self means you’d get nothing done for the day. Since having unprotected sex and subsequently taking that pregnancy test, I stopped having the right to traverse life in mediocrity.

Because we are hyper-aware that we could do better than scraping our savings to pay for the month’s mortgage, I really, really needed to get work done.

But the truth is, I woke up in a slump. My motivation to do anything today is zero. At first, I thought I was just feeling lazy. Maybe after breakfast and swallowing a morning vitamin, I’d find the mojo to power through a day of juggling work and being a slave to people who once grew inside of me. I didn’t. In fact, I could feel myself physically sliding down helplessly to just resign on the floor. At the back of my head, I was really just waiting for bedtime.

As a Virgo, I hated being like this. My dream is to be one of those people who are unbelievably good at their jobs that the WORLD needs them in order to go round. Like Liam Neeson in Taken or Carrie Matheson in Homeland. And Brad Pitt in World War Z, which I only recently saw. Why can’t I have a “special set of skills” to just breeze through motherhood and be admired like the protagonist that I think I am?

So in an effort to just produce something, anything, I grabbed my planner and made a to-do list.

Organize a car kit. The neurosis is strong with this one.

Develop a zero-waste family habit on days we go out. I mean.

Organize a play/activity kit. My kids are kids and they get bored out.

Organize a snack kit. My kids are dogs and they need treats to behave.

At that point, any normal person would say I was just creating my own problems. But apocalypse movies dictate my life and compel me to prepare while coming up with ideas on what to put in our go-bags. Plus, World War Z really hit me hard. Though I’m not sure if I’m more worried about finding my family in a similar situation or that I am married to Brad Pitt and have to look perfect and worthy all the time while I wait for his call on a satellite phone.

I love my kids and there’s nothing on earth I would find cuter than their little faces. Except this morning when I learned that Donald Glover is playing Simba on the live-action Lion King movie. But bedtime is not for another 8 hours. At this point, I went through my mental notes and tried to find the one that says “it’s okay to just stare at their faces today and get nothing done because all the blogs told me that one day your kids will look back and remember just that.

 

 

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Shiny New

I am making this post two days after Christmas, and a day after George Michael died. I know you all think he died on Christmas, but not in my timezone.

My children are getting an influx of new toys and things, and I like to think of myself as a minimalist (yes, I’m an avid reader of zen habits or anything that urges one to own less than 100 things) so right now there is a hot internal battle to foster a fun childhood vs “simple & humble & grateful living.” We are thankful. I am overjoyed that people want to make sure my children are, well, children during the holiday season. Despite my tears for climate change whenever I look at how a Barbie is packaged, I don’t really want to take these toy-opening moments away from my kids.

I have no idea what to blog about. I have some idea (I’m not a complete idiot, you know?) but I don’t have a niche. The span of my interests equal the span of my forehead (big) and I think I have a lot to say about different kinds of stuff that it’s hard for me to narrow it down. Like, I think I’d be good at reviewing toys and products, but I also have a mouthful on parenting, culture, feminism, technology, and period positivity!

I’d love to see where this is going. Twenty years ago, I had a Geocities webpage on /EnchantedForest with a black background, a sidebar menu, and floral type for the page header. Now I’m living in a world where my kids will never know the struggle of getting a <table> right.

I’ll Talk About Being A Mom

As I write this, Olive keeps placing a blue Paper Mate Inkjoy pen between my nose and lips because a few moments ago I showed her how to hold it there in place. This pen is older than she is and yet it has rarely been used. I remember coming out of Staples in the fall of 2011 with over $40 worth of office supplies thinking that my future child will call me insane for hoarding office supplies, of all things.

I’ve always known I’d have kids. It was always kind of in the general life plan. As we approached marriage, and as I figured out more and more how much harder I needed to work in order to achieve the life I want to lead, the farther I strayed from the idea of having children at all. My mother died just before I made the biggest change in my life and I carried the pain so poorly that I’m surprised I’m still alive sometimes. I was newly married to my long-time partner and was grasping at straws because this new life made me feel lost. Having a kid was the last thing I wanted.

It wasn’t until I noticed the cramping after orgasms (fuck me if I ever censor myself in my own blog) that I thought I might be pregnant. I took the test not thinking about the fear I have about the whole thing. It felt like a bad time because all the plans laid out were for a child-free first few years. I got a positive result but since I was already compartmentalizing, my feelings were kept at bay. I went to a doctor, had my ultrasound, and started being pregnant.

It wasn’t a difficult pregnancy, physically, but my anxiety was through the roof for the next 8 or so months. We didn’t have our own house and lived with my in-laws (we still do). Our living situation didn’t allow for a stay-in caregiver so I decided to quit my job. My husband decided to switch careers to earn more so that we could survive on a single income. On top of all that, I didn’t know shit about taking care of a baby.

I gave birth and holding my child for the first time is definitely the blurry highlight of my life. I was on pain medication after a 24-hour labor ending up in an elective C-section. I never really paid attention to kids until that very moment. Olive was a tiny baby and she didn’t look like anything I ever pictured. Nothing about everything after that was like anything I ever pictured.

2015-01-07 11.36.44I couldn’t stop kissing her. To this moment, I feel as if I give her too many kisses.

There were so many challenges between then and now. The baby months were spent in boring repetition and wishing we were already in the next stage. I feel as if all those days could be lumped together to form one mega-day because it was just the same thing over and over. I’d lose my cool at night when I really, really, really wanted some sleep. I was bombarded with advice left and right but would listen to none of them and followed my own instinct, which was the collective knowledge of the internet. I acquired mastitis and it got so severe that I had to get in touch with a breast surgeon and ended up in the OR. So many details that now feel irrelevant because in a survivalist point-of-view, we made it.

When Olive turned one, I knew that we were smooth-sailing. She learned how to stand, then walk, then babble. Then I got pregnant again. Another welcome surprise that had me clocking in more worry hours because this time, I’d have two to think of. It’s bizarre because I have some degree of confidence and a lack of confidence at the same time. I’m about halfway through, which gives us a lot of time to get ready, but I can’t wait to hold my new child. The pregnancy is kicking my ass this time.

Looking ahead frightens me. I feel as if I mostly fail to fulfill what life requires and I’m afraid to take the beatings experienced by a normal human person. I want my kids to be alright. To have a view of life that doesn’t make them want to kill themselves. I kind of don’t want to die at all because I’ll miss them so much. There’s so much to do, and yet it feels so nice to just lay back with my arms around Olive and watch Sesame Street… 10 times a day.

Trying This Again

Today, on a whim, I created a new blog.

I let my domain expire… but that’s not exactly the real story. I wanted to let it expire and let web nature take its course, but I started getting daily reminder e-mails from my host about my outstanding invoice. It proved effective in the bugger department, so I decided to not do the lazy thing and canceled it with my own two hands. That’s it for carnivalous.org.

I’m going straight for the guts with the following life updates:

  1. I’m married. For almost two years now. I married my long-time partner in early 2013 and…
  2. We have a kid. Olive is 1 1/2 years old now and is the absolute, most-flattering-for-selfies-light of my life. Wait, it gets better.
  3. I’m pregnant! I should be giving birth early next year. Look at me starting a little family.

Pretty major things. I’d put “I’m unemployed” as the fourth one, but I’m not really feeling it. But I am (unemployed). I handed in my resignation before the arrival of my firstborn. It’s one of the reasons I refused to buy a new domain. I don’t want to spend what’s left of my money paying for something I probably won’t get to use as often as I’d like. Parenthood eats up all of my time.

I’ll try to do better and maybe include a photo or two in the succeeding posts. I’m not sure who reads blogs anymore but I’ll also probably announce it some time and just hope that I don’t blog in vain. I feel like I don’t know how to do this anymore.

Do I say bye?